I had a thought yesterday. Do we sometimes need a break from life? Or just from some part of life that nettles at us like an angry wasp?
I have had plenty of down time this year, what might in a broad sense be considered a break. However, most of it was forced upon me and far from relaxing in any sense of the word. I did get a small amount of real break time as well. So I am not complaining at all. I am merely wondering.
For years now I have maintained I am content. Still do. I am good where I am at, with what I have and what I do. I don’t look for much to change and don’t seek what’s on the other side of the fence. Largely because I don’t really think it’s much greener over there than it is here. Mine’s plenty green, thank you.
So would that leave me ‘stressed’ instead? No, not really, despite what some around me might say. Stressed doesn’t actually feel right. Not like many years ago when I was admittedly stressed and overstressed and lived in a perpetual state of stress. Probably largely due to my own making, I’d have to admit now, looking back. So I would deny right now I am stressed. Naysayers beware…
Thinking and pondering and mulling it around, I would come up with the term Frustrated. I know what I need to do, how to do it and why. It’s clear as the shore on the other side of the lake. Right there in front of me. I am just stuck here, not able to reach it.
Much like a traffic jam. Stuck, stopped, surrounded by other cars, not moving anywhere–at least not very fast. Now that is a much more adequate way to describe how I feel.
And while I don’t spend much time in real traffic jams, I have been caught a few times, enough to recognize them. That feeling where you sit, waiting, maybe mentally logging off for a short while and suddenly look up and see the car in front of you has inched forward a nanospace. So thus do I look up and realize I have lost some time logged off and mentally elsewhere. Not with the flow of everyone else around me. Sometimes the amount of time is scary.
So I rejoin the rest of the jam and realize I am still stuck, haven’t really moved anywhere and while I can still see that exit sign up ahead, I have not really gotten any closer to it. So I am still frustrated.
Not stressed or discontent or any other forms of description. Because I know eventually it will all pass and be part of a bad memory of a bad nanosecond of my life. But right now, this moment, it matters, and it leaves me frustrated. But it shall pass.