The last few nights were autumn rains. I did not cry like I thought I would. Guess I am finally getting better. It’s been three years since I lost my Autumn Raine. Actually, she lost in a tragic, senseless act that defies belief.
I still miss her, and still carry the regret of the decision I made that ultimately led to her premature death. But knowing how therapeutic writing is, I have finally worked up the courage to start a short piece with a character called Raine. It takes place in the fall of the year. I hope by writing this story, I will find a measure of peace. Enough to grant the forgiveness I must to the ones responsible for the loss. This includes myself as well I know. The lines sometimes blur on who I am most grieved at, myself or others.
I just finished reading a book, “Forgiveness”, and it has helped some. Enough so that I can release some negative emotions in other areas of my life and to other people in my life. I have not been able to yet apply it to the Autumn Raine situation. It seems to me that we have the hardest times forgiving the ones closest to our hearts. The slight of a friend is so much easier to forgive compared to the deep puncture wounds from the family.
And in truth, accidents might be easier to forgive than a senseless, deliberate and cruel tragedy. A malicious act designed to cause great pain and suffering is not only implausible but also very hard to release emotionally.
So I enter another season of autumn, with all her periodic rain storms, for which Autumn Raine was named. Each shower brings her memory back to me. My last image of her playfully romping as I left her and the shock of returning and seeing her faded condition. Though she has been gone longer than she had lived with me, she taught me much about choices, regrets and in time I hope she can posthumously teach me to forgive. Both myself and others.